RANTING ABOUT CAMERA REGRESSION

AND YES THIS HAS TO BE ENTIRELY IN CAPS LOCK,  BECAUSE I AM ANGRYRANTANGRYRANT....

Right.

Anyway. I said about a month ago that I could rant about camera regression in cell phones.

WELL THAT RANT IS HERE.

My 9330 has a 3mp camera- finally, after three years, and phones with 1.3mp. Here's where I'm being a bitch. My parents had Verizon when I was in school, before I paid my own cell phone bill. Let me tell you, I went through my fair share of phones being a teenager who was abusive towards electronics. I got the enV when I was like a Sophomore. For those of you that remember, it was bulky, and in ugly colors. WELL I HAD THE ORANGE. Click. I actually kind of liked it.

IT HAD A 5 MP CAMERA AND A FLASH. So, I started paying my own bill, and went to Sprint. I had the LG Rumor. IN GREEN. Oh yes, everybody remembers the Rumor. The green was bitchin, too. THEN I HAD THE RUMOR2. In blue. Because blue is sexy. 1.3mp cameras. Neither had a flash. The Rumor2 didn't even do video. WHAT THE FLYING FLIPPERDIP?!

THEN I GOT A BLACKBERRY. Now, I'm not saying BlackBerry sucked, ON THE CONTRARY. I loved it. I had the 8330 in red- probably THE SEXIEST PHONE EVER MADE. Anyone notice BlackBerry models got bigger after this? BUT ANYWAY. It had a 1.3mp camera. WITH A FLASH. Pictures actually looked REALLY GOOD for a 1.3mp. THEN I DROPPED IT IN THE SINK AND /wrist. ALMOST. Thankfully the flirty Best Buy mobile guy saved my life. I almost mean that, too.

BlackBerry Curve 8530! 1.3mp camera (still.) No flash. However, there is zoom. I was probably retarded and couldn't figure it out on the 8330. Zoom sucked, though. Never used it. Video was alright. Pictures could be sketchy, based on lighting. But overall, not too bad.

FLASH FORWARD- SAMSUNG INTERCEPT. Now, I probably wouldn't have bought this phone if my contract hadn't been up for a week already and they were about to just consider my upgrade void. Dude, I so wanted the EVO. I still regret not buying it (or the Tour). BUT THAT ISN'T THE POINT. 3.2mp camera. No flash. Video sucked. The pictures on that phone were horrible. It couldn't center light. At all. WHAT IS THAT?! A 1.3mp camera took a better photo. SOMETHING IS WRONG HERE. Nevertheless, it failed. Back to 8530, broken trackpad.

9330! First off, this phone is sexy as hell. 2.0mp camera. Still no flash. Video is fine. Pictures actually look good. Zoom is sexiness. Here's my issue. The BlackBerry line, presently, could probably handle up to an 8mp camera, no questions asked. Why haven't they done it? All sorts of other brands have done it. I'm figuring it like this: It isn't practical to BlackBerry users.

Most of the world who owns a BlackBerry doesn't think about pictures or whatever. Business. Or, at least, it used to be. Plenty of people now have the BlackBerry as a for-fun phone. (example: myself.) BlackBerry has obviously begun to realize this. Look at the colors they're releasing their phones in!

This is not the point. My point, is that while our phones today are capable of awesome cameras, they simply won't put them in. I guess I just want to have my cake and eat it too. One of these days, it'll happen. And I'll probably pee my pants in happiness... Or something like that. Maybe hug the sales rep. Yeah, hugging the sales rep sounds more sanitary.

BlackBerry Curve 3G

Now, if you know me, you know I loved my BlackBerry, was was sad to leave it for Android. I simply couldn't afford the new Tour with the trackpad, as much as I wanted it. While on Android, they released the BlackBerry Style, and I honestly should have used my common sense and returned my Intercept for it while I still could. That thing looks so bitchin'.

Anyway, to the real reason of this blog post. I had the 8530, which most people knew I ended up with when I dropped my 8330 in the sink, and almost took my own life. (Not seriously, but I did kinda feel empty inside when it died.) I rushed off to Best Buy, because their Geek Squad may have been help to me and behold! Black Tie Protection covered water damage. Happy dance, happy tears, shameless blubbering, and about an hour later, I had the BlackBerry Curve 8530- in Plum! I probably should have had the red, but the guy asked me what color I wanted. How sweet, right?

So, that phone was pretty awesome, considering I paid $10 for it and the selling price at the time was like $50, since Best Buy eats all the rebates you'd have to mail-in and such through Sprint. But I already wrote a review on that phone, so refer about three posts before this for that. Oh yeah, I'm making you work.

After I went back to my BlackBerry, I noticed that there was a problem with the response time on the Trackpad- and the sensitivity was high enough. Took the time to look at it after a couple of days, and the trackpad was cracked! I'm actually still not sure how I managed to do it, but I did. And I was dumb, and didn't go the day of to get it fixed. I ended up going two days later, when the trackpad finally became unresponsive.

I didn't realize Sprint stopped supporting the 8530 nearly a month before, since they had released the 3G. So, I got another free upgrade. Nice, right? I got my new BlackBerry after all! Sort of.

Basically, the Curve 3G is a more stylish version of the 8530. It's much faster, however, with an on-board memory of 512mb. The reason for this, I was told, is because it's slated to support OS6 soon (and after some research, confirmed, though no set date is out). The body style is the exact same thing. Except for minor differences.

The colored part of the phone has more of a chrome feel to it, and the inside buttons are all black now. The back case that covers the battery is better-made. It has more of a rubberized feel to it, and the stickers were better put in. I hadn't realized before what a big deal the stickers were until I read around about people freaking out over them. I was glad I wasn't the only one. It kind of looks like a child's toy, only more lightweight, and it -gasp- actually works!

My biggest gripe- still- is the camera. Though it's been upgraded to a 2mp, the Curve line has the capability for a better camera, and a flash. I was so mad to see they removed the flash once the 8530 was released. Seriously. I wrote to BlackBerry and complained and everything. New models later, still no flash. I have enough anger about this for an entire blog post on mobile phone cameras, let me tell you!

Alright, let's wrap this up, shall we? Here's the bottom line: The Curve 3G is basically a more fashion-forward, faster version of the 8530. Though it's slated to see OS6, don't hold your breath! We all know how Sprint is about OS updates.

Update: Samsung Intercept

After a month of the Intercept, I went back to BlackBerry. Why? The frustration of that phone wasn't worth it. The lag was horrendous, and I have a new-found hatred for touch screen phones. Even if it was slated for Froyo (Android 2.2), it wouldn't have been worth the wait. The Intercept was just horrible.

First off, that touch screen. The lag on the response was just... Enough to make you ill. You'd have to click on something two or three times for it to register, and 9/10 times it would open and automatically close. And when it finally did open, it took forever to respond. I often dealt with getting a force close message because the apps tended to freeze. In the end, I downloaded a new Launcher app that took care of most of the home screen lag problems, but oish, the rest wasn't worth it. The new launcher app was Zeam, by the way. I recommend it if you have problems with your home screen.

Now, the camera was a 3.2mp. That's alright, though I had the original EnV (when I had Verizon), and that camera was 5mp. Are we regressing on the in-phone cameras? I'm not sure I approve. There was no flash, so you had to be in great light to get anything clearly. Even then, the pictures weren't that great.

I could probably rant on and on about how much I hated that phone. Samsung (and Sprint) really dropped the ball on this one, and I have to say... After all the reviews I've read about this phone, I should have spent the extra money and gone with either the Epic or the EVO. Or the BlackBerry I wanted! No use in crying over spilled milk for me, but buyer beware! The Intercept honestly has to be the worst entry-level phone I've ever used, regardless of the operating system it's on.

Review: Samsung Intercept

So, time for my upgrade came, and I made the switch I never thought I'd do. I switched to Android. I've got a Samsung Intercept, which is running Android 2.1. Now, I realized that most of the new Android phones are running 2.2, so this is quite trivial for me. Since this phone is quite new to the market, wouldn't it be running Android 2.2? But that's like the new BlackBerry releases- they should be running on 6.0, but they're not. Developer discretion, I suppose.

As seen above, the Intercept has a decent-sized touchscreen, though not like the recently released Samsung Epic and HTC Evo. Also note that the Intercept is another Sprint Exclusive- and for those that don't know, Virgin Mobile is owned by Sprint/Nextel. This phone comes in two different colors. Steel Gray, and Satin Pink. Pictured above is the Satin Pink.

Now, if you're finicky about a touchscreen, there is an optical joystick that can make things easier. Though, if you bought a touchscreen, why use the joystick? There's also the nice option of slide-out keyboard. This is easier for people like me, who have a problem switching from a keypad to a touchscreen keyboard. There is also the option to lock your screen, so you don't butt-dial anybody. That's pretty handy when your phone is put in your purse like mine is.

There's the ability to connect to a Wi-Fi network, which really comes in handy. Being connected to Wi-Fi network allows you to still use the internet, and most of your apps, while you're on the phone. Useful for ople who have to multi-task all the time. Like, when your Mom calls you and asks you to look something up for her. Well, that might not happen to everyone, but that's kind of the story of my life. Thus, that option really made this phone a good choice for me.

Pretty much everything you'll ever need in your phone is available in the Market, most of them for free. The nice thing about most of the functions that are built into Android- such as your Wifi, which auto-scans for networks once enabled- is that they're easy to understand. Seriously, this phone even has a built-in tutorial. It doesn't get better than that!

Now that we're past the features, let's get on to Android vs BlackBerry. Especially on the key features here.

Android Market vs. BlackBerry App World: To be honest, I'm going with the Android Market on this one. Most of the apps you could want are free, and they give you the option to search through apps that way. They split them into categories, and from there you have the option of "Top Paid," "Top Free," and "Just In." Obviously, most people go for Top Free. I've found some interesting things in there- like the Peter Griffin Soundboards. The search option is also so much easier to use than in App World. The best thing is that Games is its own category.  Pretty rad, huh?

Stock Browsers: This one again goes to Android. BlackBerry's stock browser is just slow, even when you're connected to Wifi. I'm assuming most Android phones have built-in Google, since mine does, but feel free to correct me. Having the built-in Google is actually pretty cool. It makes searching things on the web way easier, since all you have to do is start typing and the Google Search pops right up. The searching process is also way faster, including the loading speeds. If only BlackBerry could make a stock browser that didn't fail at life.

Response Times: This was my biggest complaint about BlackBerry- it's so slow. After about a week on the Intercept, that's my biggest complaint here, too. The response times on both leave room to be desired. But this one, I'd give to BlackBerry. Since I was spoiled with a TrackPad, it made it easier to click and go, versus having to apply a certain amount of pressure to the screen to make the app open. I was told that I'd find that Android was faster than BlackBerry. Maybe on some things, but not on all.

Optical Joystick vs Trackpad: This one, hands down, goes to BlackBerry. The optical joystick on the Intercept is finicky. It doesn't respond as well as the Trackpad does. Maybe it's because I'm used to my Trackpad being ultra-sensitive, but it doesn't seem like any amount of pressure is right on the joystick. Stick to touching the screen instead, guys.

Startup Time: This goes to the Intercept. BlackBerry takes forever to start up, for those of you that have one. It can take anywhere from ten minutes to half an hour, depending on how much you have on your phone. Two minutes, tops, on the Intercept. Definitely gives me more time to get what I need done, and is nice for when I have to power down at work.

Battery Life: BlackBerry is all over this one. While neither have great battery life, the BlackBerry is good at lasting all day, where as with the Intercept, I have to charge the battery twice a day. Note, I'm only a moderate user. I'm not using my phone all day for everything. Could you imagine my battery life then?

Reliability: I'm pretty sure this one goes to BlackBerry as well. I've had the Intercept for a week, and I've noticed there's a lot of problems with apps not responding, and force closing. I also have a problem where I'll open an app to use it, and it shuts down right away. This is really annoying, because the only way to fix that is to lock the keyboard, and put it into standby mode, then unlock. I definitely appreciate the fact that my BlackBerry didn't have nearly as many stability issues.

Overall, if given the chance, I'd definitely go back to BlackBerry. I wanted to get the new Tour, but for my upgrade, that was still $199.99. When I bought my Intercept, it was only $19.99. So for a $20 phone, I guess I can't really complain. I'd definitely like to see more stability, but I also realize Android is still in its baby phases, and is working on making it a stable OS. Maybe future models and OS versions will bring us this.

So, a recap.

Market vs. App World: Market.

Stock Browsers: Android

Response Times: BlackBerry

Optical Joystick vs. Trackpad: Trackpad

Startup Time: Android

Battery Life: BlackBerry

Reliability: BlackBerry

And now for something completely different...

I feel like today is going to be a depressed rant. There's been a lot of stuff on my mind lately, and it makes me feel more than helpless. A lot of it probably has to do with my job situation. My job sucks, I go from getting 34 hours one week, to having 12 the next. I hate it. I've been trying to get another job on top that..

But sadly, my present job has enough power to ruin any other job I'm trying to get. And it's stupid that they can even do that, and it isn't the only job that's done this to me in the past. It's ridiculous that I do my job better than most people, and I'm still getting paid less than the high school kids who don't want to do shit. So stupid.

Another big problem, apparently, is in my love life. I'm getting pestered by my own family about not wanting to date. Why? Because I prefer staying at home and lounging around, or playing with my dog. What's so bad about that, seriously? It's not like I'm packing on the pounds, I just don't have the motivation.

Maybe I'm back in a depressed spell or something, because I've been a lot more irritable as of late. I'm snapping off at angry at the drop of the hat, and it's not pretty. Even my own mother has noted I've been more of a bitch than usual. (Which is kind of scary, because I'm usually quite a bitch to begin with.)

I'm also starting to think I have a problem. Those who know me off my blog probably know what I'm talking about, and agree with me. I swore to myself forever ago I'd never touch this point again, but I can't help it. I really don't know what else there is to do with myself. Eh, maybe I just need to get new friends. Who are willing to spend time with me. Who don't suck, like the ones I have now.

But I'll figure it out. Eventually. And I'll be happy. For all I know, this is just an uncontrolled bipolar snap.

I'll survive, I always do!

Update.

I haven't posted in awhile.I haven't had the motivation write a lot, and I've been busy with work and all..
That's... pretty much it. Sister's been sick and all, I have a new car......

Nothing special! Maybe I'll have a rant or something soon.

Rants, because I'm awesome like that.

It's true, I am pretty damn awesome. But here's the present dealio...

Love? Yeah, giving up on it. My heart belongs to someone I can't have, and I'm not even sure I actually have his in return. Though it isn't an argument I'm willing to have with him, either. I hate arguing with him. Haha, love is a very splendid thing, huh?

Which leads me to my next point: the dating world. Yeah, not touching that one. I've noticed that when I date, guys want more than I'm willing to give, and then get pissed that I'm not the 'wanting' type. For example: I'm not over-the-top cuddly. I don't even give praises often.

I've been told this makes me a bitch. Does it bother me? Absolutely not, I adore myself the way I am. (Sometimes, I think it's a little too much.) Why people expect me to change into someone nurturing and crap is beyond me.

This also makes me thing about my random Mom-mode. It isn't the whole mothering thing, as much as it is making people tremble in fear at my power. There, I said it. I'm a power-hungry bitch. Who's conceited. Or something like that.

And lazy. Very, very lazy. I think part of it is because I really, really hate driving. And people always want me to go do stuff with them. I think people get mad at it because they think I'm making excuses not to see them. Maybe that's true, on some really deep sub-conscious level. But on the surface? Yeah, it's lazy mixed with my hatred for driving.

Back to the dating world. This leads me to believe that I'm just not ready to put up with guys, and how they require coddling and whatnot. It's not me, I don't do it, I don't plan on doing it anytime soon. At least, not with the ones that are within my reach.

And before you go thinking, "Oh, she's talking about a famous person she only met once." I'm not. It's an actual person. Not to say that celebrities aren't people, but they're more like idols to us, so not as much human as we put them on pedestals, and make them gods. "Out of my reach" would refer a factor that isn't any of your business. But it's totally legit.

On that note... /endrant.

Update!

So, I've finally gotten free time! It's been a crazy busy week, lol. So here's the deal:

Traded my car up! I now own a Chrysler Sebring convertible, in candy apple red. It's a '98, but runs like brand new. Seriously! I just need to fix the front brakes, and we're good to go! It's actually a really easy fix, and with some guidance, I could do it myself. (Changing the brakes is no issue, how hard could a caliper be?!)

Had a job interview! I actually got the first and second interview done today, which is a really good thing! Supposedly, I'll know by the end of the day if I'm going to have a new job. If I do get this, it looks like a shipment deal, which starts at about 4ish. Perfect for me, being the night owl that I am! Which means I'll actually be likely to be writing more, since I'm such a sleepless individual.

One of my favorite people are up in Chicago!! He's moving out this way for school next month (and I CANNOT WAIT!) so we spent some time just chilling on my couch yesterday. Much less awkward than I thought it was going to be, and I'm actually kinda psyched to hang out with him again.

And, uh, I think that's pretty much it! That I can think of. Until next time, ciao~

Into The Darkness (11.12.2008)

This is an old article I wrote for a class I took on composition. I still love this, even though it's obviously years later, haha.

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Many times I ask myself questions that I should probably be able to answer on a normal day's basis, and then wonder why I've asked myself such silly things. But it seems like the others around me have increasingly become as easily distracted. Now, I won't claim that my friends are highly intellectual, but even for the densest of my friends, this is an alarming sight. I've come to ask myself daily why this is happening. Even at work, my bosses, the most focused people I've ever met, have become distracted by the smaller things.

I've speculated, though, that the way the media is portraying our economic situation has left some of us with a fear of what may come, though in truth, we hardly know half the story of what's truly going on. Perhaps some realize this, and stress over the fact that they don't honestly know how bad things really are, yet they don't want to. I ask, is this fair? Is it right that the government hides so much from us?

In a way, it really is. Things like the stock market, for example. Many people don't understand exactly how it works, therefore they talk as little about it as they truly can. They try to keep our minds on smaller things, like murders and robberies. Not that those things aren't important, don't get me wrong, but ask yourself where many of those things stem from.

Now, I'm simply reflecting, not stating facts. This is all purely opinion. And, in my point of view, it seems that we're headed for another dark spot in history, not that we won't pull out of it. If America really didn't want a repeat of The Great Depression in the late 1920's-early 1930's, we'd really pay attention to what's going around us. Are we leading ourselves into the darkness? To be honest, I don't see much of anybody else to blame. We let the government take control of our lives, and we give them all the permissions they need to make things happen.

However, we must also take into account how much we really understand about economics and politics. These things aren't explained to us at face value. Is it really our fault that we've become to ignorant to the deeper meanings of things? On one hand it isn't, and on the other it is. Many of us wish we could, but can't afford, or lack the motivation. The solution? Look at it this way: spit in one hand, wish in the other. Which fills first? There's your answer.

Review: BlackBerry Curve 8530

Okay, so, I got this phone in April. I had the 8330, but being an idiot, I dropped it in the sink. I got my phone through Best Buy, so I have their Geek Squad protection plan. By the way, best insurance plan ever! ...If you have a BlackBerry. They don't ask questions, they just replace it. The store no longer sold the 8330, so the associate told me I was getting a free 'upgrade' to the newest version of the phone, the 8530. Some 'upgrade' this phone is!

Since they activated the phone, I've had to 'clean install' the software twice. What that means, for those of you that don't know, is that Desktop Manager creates a back-up file of all of your applications, then wipes your phone entirely. It then re-loads the software, then restores your applications. The reason I had to do this? There's a problem with my phone screen going white, and becoming unresponsive. The only way to fix this problem when it occurs is a battery pull. This was a suggestion from both RIM and BlackBerry.

Now, I have been told it is likely a problem with my phone, and to have my carrier replace it. After some research, however, I've discovered this is a major problem with not only this model, but this OS upgrade, as well. Which is kind of ridiculous, but every phone has their own flukes.

A thought on the design: for the battery, it's much easier to remove the back to do a battery pull. However, this is also a design flaw. If you drop your phone, even on the table, the back pops right off, and there goes your battery! I'd really like to see something similar to the cover on the 8330 on the next model. Especially since now that I've dropped my phone a couple of times (which everybody does, you can't deny it), the back doesn't completely snap on.

The trackpad! I have to admit, it's more convenient than the trackball, because it doesn't get stuck, or break. However, it can become extremely unresponsive at times. For awhile, I had trouble with my trackpad even wanting to click on anything, especially in the browser. In order to fix this, I had to set the sensitivity to 90/90, and now it works perfectly. It's growing on me, I almost prefer the trackpad to the trackball!

I've also heard some complaints about the keyboard on this model. It does shift a little, it's true. However, the keys are set further apart than on other models. This makes it infinitely easier for me to type on it, and I almost don't need a computer anymore! I have no complaints about the keyboard, believe it or not! I really like that about this model.

Overall, I have to give this phone a 3/5. I do wish they'd fix the bugs in the OS in the next upgrade, I'm really sick of the whitescreen problem. The cover design needs work, and is mildly annoying. But overall, I do like the colors, and the sleeker, slimmer design, compared to the older Curve models. The trackpad is a wonderful addition as well. Is it worth the hassle? Well, once I talk to a technician, I'll know for sure.

As well, I do realize that I'm posting a lot for the last couple of days. I'm trying to merge a couple of blogs into one, because it's less hassle for me this way. Bare with me!

Some Drivers!

I had this awesome photo about a month ago of this woman who parked her SUV across three spots in a parking lot. Amazing feat, but completely unnecessary. I don't know what happened to this photo, but man. It was a busy day, and the lot was almost full otherwise. I couldn't understand what possessed this woman to park the way she did. She severely upset other drivers, and I watched as others blocked her ability to pull out, just because she took up three spots!

Kind of annoying, since I then couldn't pull out when I was done sending this box out. I simply couldn't understand. Why do people feel the need for such antics when they drive? It's like they NEED to be first when going places. This is probably why I hate driving. Gah.

Set up text blogging! Hope this works haha.

WHAT, A NEW POST?!

It's been awhile since I've created one. Probably because life hit one of those really hectic points, and I was like, 'ahhhomgwtfbbq.' Yeah, it happens more often than I'd like to admit. I haven't been on a computer much, except to pay my bills. Life is just easier when you do it that way, when you think about it.

Anyway, here's an update: My media player had a huge update. What does it do? Causes a lack of syncing to my Zune. The solution was said to be that I should remove all media from my collection(on the program), and wipe all media off my Zune. Okay, did that. Know what it did? Removed it from my hard drive.

If that wasn't bad enough? It wouldn't restore the media back. I tried, several times.. I got a little bit of it back today, but not a lot. Which is probably my fault, for putting it off for two months. I'm managing to get most of it back, though, since I still have the CDs. Maybe it's a good thing, because I learned to live without music for awhile.

So! Love life. Still pretty shitty. The one guy I've met that seriously gives a crap about me? TWO HOURS AWAY. And then some. Why does this happen to me? Oh, because I'm the victim of karma. I guess it's the universe's way of telling me I need to be a better person. Yeah, I'll get right on that...

Being sick!

Yeah, probably one of the worst effing things to happen to me lately. But my life seems to be on a downhill roll of fail. I recall talking to somebody a couple of weeks ago, and saying that life was going pretty well. But I couldn't help but have this nagging feeling that it was about to go into a really dark spell. I wasn't kidding, apparently.


My allergies are kicking in hardcore. There isn't much I can take, because I'm on a migraine inhibitor. So I get stuck suffering. Which turns into this respiratory infection. I'm currently battling that, and loosing pretty epically. It's not even funny.


This hormone that my doctor has me taking... Causes the same thing I'm trying to stop, within the first few months of taking it. Yeah, I've got the same thing going on pretty hardcore. And it's superbly disgusting. Yeah. Coughing up chunks of phlegm while erratically bleeding? BEST WEEK EVER. not. And I'm working almost every day this week. Go figure.


Anyway. Best friend ditched me today. Why? Don't know. At this point, don't care. Came home, took a nap. Went for a jog. I was feeling better. Now my hip hurts, and I have a killer headache. Go figure.


Eh, but I'm not gonna worry about it. After every dark spell, there is happiness. I'll just have to keep looking forward to that happiness. (:

Effing A.

This is where I really remember why I gave up on dating. Remember the 'butterflies'? Yeah. Right. Gone. You know, girls aren't something guys can just use for sex. We're living, breathing, and we have feelings. Funny, I know, if you know me. But it just pisses me off. Why string a girl along with all the cute little notions that you're into her, when you really aren't? If you're just looking for casual sex, you should say so first.. This goes for women, too! I'll bet there are just as many women out there, as men, who do this.

But it's alright, revenge is a sweet, sweet thing... Plus, it's making me $60. Can't complain there. I have other options, I know, but it would have been nice to not be used once in awhile. I mean, I technically did this to myself. I saw it coming, but didn't do much to stop it. So, if anything, I'm really just mad at myself, not at the guy that I'm letting get to me.

It's not so bad, though. I just kind of wonder where you'd think it's okay to piss off a person as badly as I've been... Knowing that they'd made their name ruining lives, and sending people off the edge. I admit I'm not perfect- I'm probably the most horrible person I've ever known. But I'm perfectly okay with that.

All in all, I want to believe that there's still somebody worth wasting my affection on out there... But so far, I really feel like it's best kept all to myself. Looks like I'll just be lathering it all over my dog, and my rats, for now. No use in lamenting over stupid bullshit like this. Just move on, the same as I always do. Like my sister says, 'Don't Tell Tom would say there's plenty of other fish in the hottub out back.' Now, if only I had a fuckin' hot tub.

Just a thought.

It's really weird to think about. I've dated my fair share in life- and I'm sure there's more to come. But I think you know you've found somebody special when you get a text, and you're hoping it's them. You read their name as the person who sent, your heart skips a beat. People do something that that person does, and you automatically think of them, and it brings a smile to your face. It's not love, I can tell you that. Maybe a type of infatuation, if anything. Maybe kind of sick, if anything. I mean, it's not like I looking to love this person, or have them love me. I'm not entirely sure what I want from them.

But I feel like I obviously want something, because there'd be nothing otherwise. I wouldn't have bothered to keep conversations going, and all that great stuff. But at the end of the day, what does that mean? After all, it's not like I'm 'chasing' anyone. I'm not really doing much of anything about it. Just sitting there, musing about the 'what if's. Which really tells me one thing: I'm scared of falling in love.

And commitment, and I know that. But love? That's such a silly thing to be scared of. Why should anybody be afraid of falling in love? Maybe it's because I don't want to open up, and give myself to somebody. I like my freedom, as much as I like being able to say, 'Oh, soandso is mine.' Which leads up to the abusive relationships I've had. I expect total loyalty, but I don't want to be expected to keep the same thing. Not that I've ever been a cheater, though.

Maybe it's because my parents have an extremely unhappy marriage, and I've seen what love and obsession can do to a family. It tears them apart, when used in the improper manners. I mean, it tore mine apart. Maybe I'm just scared of turning into that person who loves another so much that I give up everything for them. I think there needs to be median somewhere, but I don't feel like I'll ever be able to reach that. It's always been where family and friends meant more than my significant other, or it was the other way around.

A happy median? Yeah, maybe one day I'll find that. But for now, I think I'll just stick to the feelings of butterflies.

Shallow, right? Ooookay.

So, apparently, I'm shallow. A conversation I was having with another person about PCOS brought the attention of another, who felt the need to jump in and bring up reproduction.. By the way, PCOS is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is actually fairly common. You can find information about it here. {Thank you to the Mayo Clinic!} It's basically an enlarged reproductive system, from what I've gathered. Which I have, and it really sucks. It contributes to why I can't loose weight, and all that fun stuff. Great, right? Wrong.

Anyway. That's off-topic. We were talking about how I probably won't be able to have kids, which is going to suck, but I'll get over it. I said I was thinking about adopting in the future, anyway, if i could even consider the idea of a mate. Now, I have problems with commitment. I'll be the first to admit it. So, I have unusually high standards- absurd, really. And I made a joke about how I should lower them for mating potential.

However this guy is, totally went off the panhandle. See, I'm picky about looks. But who isn't? We're all vain, and narcissistic, whether or not we want to admit it. He goes so far as to call me shallow. Now, at no point did I ever bring up that looks were everything when I think about the guys I'd even consider dating. The words I used were, 'Just because I know what I want, doesn't mean I'm shallow.' The response sounded a bit offended, if anything.

'But what you want is based on looks, and that makes you shallow.' Wrong. We never discussed what I actually wanted in a mate. Simply that I'm picky with looks. And who isn't? We all want attractive mates! Basically, the entire response was a re-iteration of that same sentence. I don't feel that my response was incorrect. Although, I will admit, I was a bit harsh.

'Wow, I say one thing, and you're suddenly assuming I'm talking ENTIRELY about looks? Then maybe you should broaden the spectrum of your thought. Looks AREN'T everything, and quite honestly, if somebody doesn't have an intellectual side, THAT'S what I don't want in a person.

Way to be assumptive and judgmental.'

No response. I figured I had hid a soft spot, but dismissed it shortly after. It just bothers me that people feel like they have the right to pass judgment on a person by only reading a few sentences. I've been called judgmental in the past, but I have a reason for the things I say. I tend to say 'dismissed' to a person if I can't find a center of interest in them. Can you blame me? Who wants to be stuck in a conversation with a person in which they have no interest? Certainly not I.

But that's all well. I'll stop my ranting.. For now.