Being sick!

Yeah, probably one of the worst effing things to happen to me lately. But my life seems to be on a downhill roll of fail. I recall talking to somebody a couple of weeks ago, and saying that life was going pretty well. But I couldn't help but have this nagging feeling that it was about to go into a really dark spell. I wasn't kidding, apparently.


My allergies are kicking in hardcore. There isn't much I can take, because I'm on a migraine inhibitor. So I get stuck suffering. Which turns into this respiratory infection. I'm currently battling that, and loosing pretty epically. It's not even funny.


This hormone that my doctor has me taking... Causes the same thing I'm trying to stop, within the first few months of taking it. Yeah, I've got the same thing going on pretty hardcore. And it's superbly disgusting. Yeah. Coughing up chunks of phlegm while erratically bleeding? BEST WEEK EVER. not. And I'm working almost every day this week. Go figure.


Anyway. Best friend ditched me today. Why? Don't know. At this point, don't care. Came home, took a nap. Went for a jog. I was feeling better. Now my hip hurts, and I have a killer headache. Go figure.


Eh, but I'm not gonna worry about it. After every dark spell, there is happiness. I'll just have to keep looking forward to that happiness. (:

Effing A.

This is where I really remember why I gave up on dating. Remember the 'butterflies'? Yeah. Right. Gone. You know, girls aren't something guys can just use for sex. We're living, breathing, and we have feelings. Funny, I know, if you know me. But it just pisses me off. Why string a girl along with all the cute little notions that you're into her, when you really aren't? If you're just looking for casual sex, you should say so first.. This goes for women, too! I'll bet there are just as many women out there, as men, who do this.

But it's alright, revenge is a sweet, sweet thing... Plus, it's making me $60. Can't complain there. I have other options, I know, but it would have been nice to not be used once in awhile. I mean, I technically did this to myself. I saw it coming, but didn't do much to stop it. So, if anything, I'm really just mad at myself, not at the guy that I'm letting get to me.

It's not so bad, though. I just kind of wonder where you'd think it's okay to piss off a person as badly as I've been... Knowing that they'd made their name ruining lives, and sending people off the edge. I admit I'm not perfect- I'm probably the most horrible person I've ever known. But I'm perfectly okay with that.

All in all, I want to believe that there's still somebody worth wasting my affection on out there... But so far, I really feel like it's best kept all to myself. Looks like I'll just be lathering it all over my dog, and my rats, for now. No use in lamenting over stupid bullshit like this. Just move on, the same as I always do. Like my sister says, 'Don't Tell Tom would say there's plenty of other fish in the hottub out back.' Now, if only I had a fuckin' hot tub.

Just a thought.

It's really weird to think about. I've dated my fair share in life- and I'm sure there's more to come. But I think you know you've found somebody special when you get a text, and you're hoping it's them. You read their name as the person who sent, your heart skips a beat. People do something that that person does, and you automatically think of them, and it brings a smile to your face. It's not love, I can tell you that. Maybe a type of infatuation, if anything. Maybe kind of sick, if anything. I mean, it's not like I looking to love this person, or have them love me. I'm not entirely sure what I want from them.

But I feel like I obviously want something, because there'd be nothing otherwise. I wouldn't have bothered to keep conversations going, and all that great stuff. But at the end of the day, what does that mean? After all, it's not like I'm 'chasing' anyone. I'm not really doing much of anything about it. Just sitting there, musing about the 'what if's. Which really tells me one thing: I'm scared of falling in love.

And commitment, and I know that. But love? That's such a silly thing to be scared of. Why should anybody be afraid of falling in love? Maybe it's because I don't want to open up, and give myself to somebody. I like my freedom, as much as I like being able to say, 'Oh, soandso is mine.' Which leads up to the abusive relationships I've had. I expect total loyalty, but I don't want to be expected to keep the same thing. Not that I've ever been a cheater, though.

Maybe it's because my parents have an extremely unhappy marriage, and I've seen what love and obsession can do to a family. It tears them apart, when used in the improper manners. I mean, it tore mine apart. Maybe I'm just scared of turning into that person who loves another so much that I give up everything for them. I think there needs to be median somewhere, but I don't feel like I'll ever be able to reach that. It's always been where family and friends meant more than my significant other, or it was the other way around.

A happy median? Yeah, maybe one day I'll find that. But for now, I think I'll just stick to the feelings of butterflies.

Shallow, right? Ooookay.

So, apparently, I'm shallow. A conversation I was having with another person about PCOS brought the attention of another, who felt the need to jump in and bring up reproduction.. By the way, PCOS is Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, which is actually fairly common. You can find information about it here. {Thank you to the Mayo Clinic!} It's basically an enlarged reproductive system, from what I've gathered. Which I have, and it really sucks. It contributes to why I can't loose weight, and all that fun stuff. Great, right? Wrong.

Anyway. That's off-topic. We were talking about how I probably won't be able to have kids, which is going to suck, but I'll get over it. I said I was thinking about adopting in the future, anyway, if i could even consider the idea of a mate. Now, I have problems with commitment. I'll be the first to admit it. So, I have unusually high standards- absurd, really. And I made a joke about how I should lower them for mating potential.

However this guy is, totally went off the panhandle. See, I'm picky about looks. But who isn't? We're all vain, and narcissistic, whether or not we want to admit it. He goes so far as to call me shallow. Now, at no point did I ever bring up that looks were everything when I think about the guys I'd even consider dating. The words I used were, 'Just because I know what I want, doesn't mean I'm shallow.' The response sounded a bit offended, if anything.

'But what you want is based on looks, and that makes you shallow.' Wrong. We never discussed what I actually wanted in a mate. Simply that I'm picky with looks. And who isn't? We all want attractive mates! Basically, the entire response was a re-iteration of that same sentence. I don't feel that my response was incorrect. Although, I will admit, I was a bit harsh.

'Wow, I say one thing, and you're suddenly assuming I'm talking ENTIRELY about looks? Then maybe you should broaden the spectrum of your thought. Looks AREN'T everything, and quite honestly, if somebody doesn't have an intellectual side, THAT'S what I don't want in a person.

Way to be assumptive and judgmental.'

No response. I figured I had hid a soft spot, but dismissed it shortly after. It just bothers me that people feel like they have the right to pass judgment on a person by only reading a few sentences. I've been called judgmental in the past, but I have a reason for the things I say. I tend to say 'dismissed' to a person if I can't find a center of interest in them. Can you blame me? Who wants to be stuck in a conversation with a person in which they have no interest? Certainly not I.

But that's all well. I'll stop my ranting.. For now.