Just a thought.

It's really weird to think about. I've dated my fair share in life- and I'm sure there's more to come. But I think you know you've found somebody special when you get a text, and you're hoping it's them. You read their name as the person who sent, your heart skips a beat. People do something that that person does, and you automatically think of them, and it brings a smile to your face. It's not love, I can tell you that. Maybe a type of infatuation, if anything. Maybe kind of sick, if anything. I mean, it's not like I looking to love this person, or have them love me. I'm not entirely sure what I want from them.

But I feel like I obviously want something, because there'd be nothing otherwise. I wouldn't have bothered to keep conversations going, and all that great stuff. But at the end of the day, what does that mean? After all, it's not like I'm 'chasing' anyone. I'm not really doing much of anything about it. Just sitting there, musing about the 'what if's. Which really tells me one thing: I'm scared of falling in love.

And commitment, and I know that. But love? That's such a silly thing to be scared of. Why should anybody be afraid of falling in love? Maybe it's because I don't want to open up, and give myself to somebody. I like my freedom, as much as I like being able to say, 'Oh, soandso is mine.' Which leads up to the abusive relationships I've had. I expect total loyalty, but I don't want to be expected to keep the same thing. Not that I've ever been a cheater, though.

Maybe it's because my parents have an extremely unhappy marriage, and I've seen what love and obsession can do to a family. It tears them apart, when used in the improper manners. I mean, it tore mine apart. Maybe I'm just scared of turning into that person who loves another so much that I give up everything for them. I think there needs to be median somewhere, but I don't feel like I'll ever be able to reach that. It's always been where family and friends meant more than my significant other, or it was the other way around.

A happy median? Yeah, maybe one day I'll find that. But for now, I think I'll just stick to the feelings of butterflies.